2002:

“A spider bit me four days ago, and now my whole upper arm is really swollen and sore, and my roommate is convinced it’s a brown recluse bite. I know it isn’t but figured I should get it checked anyway.”

“Did you see the spider?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Do you know approximately where you were when it bit you?”

“Oh, yeah. I was climbing an apple tree. I reached up into one of the branches and felt it bite me.”

“You were climbing a tree? You’re HOW OLD?”

****

2007:

“A snake bit my finger and I’m not up on my tetanus shots, so I guess I need one.”

“Do you know if it was a venomous snake?”

“Nope, it wasn’t.”

“How do you know? Did you see the snake?”

“Of course. It was my pet python.”

“You have a pet python…and it BIT you…” (as if that’s really weird)

*****

2008:

“I think my finger is broken.”

“What happened?”

“Well, I did that thing you’re never supposed to do, where you loop your dog’s leash around your pinky, and I was pulling weeds in the front yard. My dog is 55 pounds, and he saw a car and took off after it. And my pinky just snapped.”

****

Later in 2008:

“I think my finger is broken.”

“What happened?”

“I decided it would be a good idea to learn to rollerblade WHILE I had my dog with me on the leash.”

“Uh oh. He pulled you over?”

“Actually, no. I thought he was going to pull me over so I leaned back, and then he just stood there like he was supposed to, but I lost my balance and toppled over backwards and landed on my finger.”

***

Also in 2008:

“A dog bit me eight hours ago, and my hand is still dripping blood.”

“Do you know the dog that bit you?”

“Well, I just met him today, but I’m dogsitting him for the next four months….”

**********

But what didn’t land me at the doctor:

• the time I moved an injured baby cottonmouth off the road with my ice scraper
• the time I reacted badly to a mosquito bite and my hand swelled up to twice its normal size; having learned from that whole spider bite thing, I just lanced it myself and saved some money
• the time I lifted two snapping turtles out of a large hole in the ground, from which they could probably have extricated themselves anyway, while they chomped furiously at me

Okay, so I haven’t lived THAT dangerously. At least I don’t take myself too seriously all the time.