I’ve been wanting to blog about this since it happened a month ago, but had to wait because the investigation was ongoing. Now that the findings have been released, I think it’s okay to talk about it.

As the article indicates, one of my relatives was involved in the pursuit and investigation. It has been very difficult to remain quiet when uninformed commenters on various websites have maligned and attacked the officers. One person on a Denver-based site claimed, for example, that Jacob VanderBeek was shot in the back. I knew that was inaccurate but could not say anything at that time to refute the accusation.

Having to remain silent chafes badly, especially when an officer–someone who has dedicated his life to public safety, generally for a minuscule salary, and who often accrues emotional and psychological scars as a result of what he encounters in the course of his work–is unfairly attacked. These armchair critics weren’t on the scene, don’t have all the facts, and probably have never faced a situation in which they had to make a split-second, life-or-death decision. To my relief, the majority of commenters on the news sites defended the officers for the reasons I’ve listed above. My favorite remark–I wish I could remember on which site it appeared so I could give credit where it’s due–ran along the lines of, “Oh, you think the officers should have de-escalated the situation? Sure, the guy was going 120 mph and had just tossed a grenade, but I’m sure if the cops had cruised up next to him and said, ‘Hey, we’ll give you some milk and cookies if you stop,’ he would have been like, ‘Okay, awesome! I’ll pull over right now.’”

What was clear to me from the first time I heard the story, and what every subsequent detail has confirmed, is that this was a case of the dreaded suicide-by-cop. Often these situations don’t end as well (relatively, I suppose) as this one did: the suicidal party tries to take out as many officers as possible in the process. So many of the details of this case indicated VanderBeek’s desire not to emerge alive. Why else do you taunt an officer who has already decided to let you go and issue a warrant instead? Why else do you drive like a maniac, nearly wreck your car, and put numerous other people in jeopardy? Most of all, why else would you have weapons–a grenade and a gun–that you’ve made sure appear authentic in every way? (See detail about how the gun was “without the bright orange tip to signify it as a replica“).

Normally I do not consider suicide cowardly or selfish–not if it’s a result of depression or other mental or physical illness. But suicide by cop is THE MOST SELFISH AND COWARDLY WAY YOU COULD POSSIBLY CHOOSE TO GO. To put it bluntly: If you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger yourself, you don’t fucking deserve to be allowed to die.

Jacob VanderBeek, however, is dead. This certainly seems to be what he wanted. Officer Dean Morgan is alive, for which his family and friends and acquaintances are extremely grateful. (Disclosure: My siblings and I attended school with him, so I knew him slightly. My Chaffee County relatives are better acquainted with him and his family.) I was sick–I think every family member of a cop can relate–hearing about the pursuit in real time, learning that someone had been killed, not knowing if my family member or a fellow officer had taken a bullet. I admit to a profound sense of relief when I learned the only person shot was the suspect (although “suspect” is kind of a weird term; there’s no room for doubt about what he did). We pray hard, even those of us who don’t normally pray, in these situations. Every time I hear about the death of a police officer, it’s like a gut punch. Maybe military families feel the same way; I don’t know. And I’m not without sympathy for VanderBeek’s family, although the very laudatory eulogy in the local paper was tough to stomach. I’m sure losing an eighteen-year-old son, brother, grandson, nephew was painful and difficult. I don’t know anything about him or why he did what he did. They may not know, either.

Officer Morgan has to spend the rest of his life having taken someone else’s. I hope he went home to his wife and kids that night and felt a profound gratitude that he was still alive, that he was able to return to them. I hope he never second-guesses what he did or has regrets. He had to make a very fast decision; if he had chosen wrong, he or a fellow officer might have died. But even if he’s completely at peace with it, you don’t just walk away from something like that.

What I wish those asinine commenters could realize is that when someone’s pointing a weapon at you, you don’t have time to carefully study that weapon to try to determine whether it’s real. You don’t ask the suspect, “Is that a real gun or an airgun? Is it loaded? Are you really planning to shoot?” In that situation you have to assume that the gun is real and the person means to use it. And the person holding the gun intends for you to make that assumption and react accordingly.

Police officers aren’t infallible. Some of them do use their status in coercive and criminal ways. Some of them may be too quick to shoot. But many of them are dedicated people with deep integrity and a strong urge to keep their communities safe. Killing VanderBeek was not anyone’s preferred way of ending the chase, as the timeline in the article makes abundantly clear. The police tried an array of other strategies to stop him and to deescalate the situation. He led them on a high-speed chase over nearly 100 miles of highway, much of it only two lanes, some of it up a winding mountain pass. Ultimately, the blame for his death has to be laid squarely at his own feet. He is the one who made a series of choices that led to his death; he is the one who could have stopped and surrendered at any time during the pursuit. He showed no concern for his life or for the lives of other people–not police officers, not those who had to evacuate their homes for hours while the bomb squad checked out the grenade, not those driving along the highway early on a Saturday morning. Neither Officer Morgan nor any of the other police involved are responsible for VanderBeek’s choices; no one forced this teenager to act as he did; in fact, they gave him every opportunity possible to opt for a different outcome. Yes, it is a tragedy that an eighteen-year-old boy is dead. I happen to think it would have been a far greater tragedy, however, if a police officer had been killed instead of or in addition to him.

In closing, I want to quote the district attorneys who reviewed the case and judged the shooting justified under Colorado law:

“The actions of each of the involved law enforcement officers were nothing short of courageous in nature and undoubtedly saved the lives and property of members of our community… Our communities are well served by these law enforcement agencies, officers and agency heads, and we should all be thankful for their service.”

Thank you.